The Very Hungry Toddler

"We've never lost a kid before!" huffed the usher, as I assured her I would sit with both of my kids in the large theatre, as opposed to go with her directives of two of us in row A, one in row B. Bare in mind here that my kids are 1 and 2, respectively. As tempted as I was to duct tape Xander to her leg and let her enjoy him for an hour in a dark, quiet place, I simply stepped around her to the next available row and sat down in the flurry of young families trying to pick out seats in the crowded circus ring they called the Civic Center.

"Lot of nerve, that one!" Grouchy Mc Gee called out behind us as we sat together - as a family - in a row further back than reserved, just so we could have our seats together.

It was open seating, wasn't it? Sure was, so I sat down and got jackets off, shoes off (my kids cannot have restricted toes for one minute longer than necessary, at any given time - their rules, not mine) and sippy cups out. Soon the lights dimmed and Xander took a keen interest in the little girl in front of us' hair clip. Good thing she was either A) comatose or B) one of ten siblings who was used to a lot of distraction, because she didn't even move or swat him away as he tried to pick those cherries off the top of her pony tail!

Zoe clapped along with the other kids as the black lights lit up a cute little stage with an antsy chammelion making his Des Moines stage debut (at 9 am on a Monday morning... not exactly Broadway bound) and squealed in delight as the opening amphibian wiggled, waggled, and tried to morph into a flamingo, deer, giraffe, goldfish, and elephant before realizing being a chamelion - himself - was the best thing to be. Cute story line that lasted three minutes.

What was I nervous about? They are awesome! I thought to myself as I leaned back in my chair and started to take my own coat off.

Maybe my sudden movement changed the aura around us, but suddenly it was like, "Mooooooooooooooooooom! I'm Star-viiiiiiiiiiiiing!" in surround sound. Both kids pretended they hadn't gotten two Eggo's a piece and some fruit less than two hours earlier and decided to ramsack the diaper bag for treats.

What I learned is that a play about a hungry caterpillar will induce hunger pains as dramatic as labor pains. They go up and down, get shorter between pangs, and can only be controlled with serious endorphins (like a sugar high). I also learned that kids who usually throw up their noses to Craisins day old gummy bears will be giddy with excitement at each new find and scarf them with gusto. Kids will not die if they ingest anything without 10 or more grams of sugar if it constitutes as a "desperate measure snack". Also, sand, fuzz, and diaper bag crud can easily be cleaned off a once-licked sucker that somehow was only half-wrapped back up before the user threw it to the depths of the diaper bag by simply swishing it around in Mom's mouth before a toddler's...

And, if you can handle an hour in the dark with two toddlers who are supposed to be silent, you deserve a stiff shot of something potent not sold at a children's theatre drink stand.