Ten things I've learned as a mother of two little kids.

10. There is no such thing as "We can be there in ten minutes" anymore. Those days are long gone.
9. Dinner out with friends can only take place where pizza, fried chicken strips, and orange-powdered mac n' cheese dominate the menu.
8. When choosing a babysitter, don't ask for a CPR/First Aid license. Tell them a good old fashion joke. If they laugh, they are hired. They are gonna need a sense of humor with this crew.
7. A diaper bag without a new package of M&M's in the doctor's office is the equivalent to breaking your high heel and going in shoeless  to a very important meeting with your CFO. Nothing gets accomplished and you come out defeated and worn.
6. When someone asks your opinion of the ongoing war, you should not respond with "Interestingly enough, he is finally sleeping in his own crib for at least a few hours a night, so I think we've won that battle!"
5. It does not matter if you order chocolate, cinnamon, or pistachio ice cream. Your child will decide after eating half of theirs (i.e. licked, slobbered, and dropped the rest) that YOUR cone is the only cone that will do.
4. Give up. One day you will have to have a birthday party festooned with characters from the one TV show you would yank off the air in seconds if you were in charge.
3. You will make new friends and bond over nipples, leakage, and weight gain in seconds each and every time you go to a park.
2. Do not mention anything, and I mean anything, out loud that you wouldn't say in a concert hall with a microphone in your hand. It will be repeated.
1. Never ever ask a very pregnant mother of more than two kids "if she knows where they come from". She won't laugh.