Rules

Ladies, can we, as a collective whole, start to adhere to a few ground rules? Like unspoken rules that we, as a group of civilized women who have born children (or are of the child-bearing age) generally stick to? Before sticking to them, we could also come up with the exceptions to the rules?

1. If you are within 60 days of the birth of a child*. You would have 120 days total (before/during/after) child's birth to break rules without any ramifications. 

*Your child. You may not use your best friend's child as a substitution.

2. Work, Life, Family, and a Broken Washer all rear their ugliest heads on the same week, causing you to dig to the depths of your "too old/small/large/slutty" rubbermaid bins in the dining room (because this is easier than any other option). 

3. Snow day. 

4. There is no way any person will ever see you - all day. Think child stricken with the stomach flu (remember this excuse if you are a rookie mom. You can get out of ANY plans with the threat of puke and/or projectile vomit), the day after your third wisdom tooth extraction (your friends have already stopped by twice and this time, you are on your own), or you put "Cleaning/Laundry/Ironing" as your Facebook status update. 

I cannot think of any other rule breakers, but if you do, send them my way.

Now onto the rules.

1. You will never EVER have "PINK", "HOT", or "Spring Break '00" written across your hind quarters. I don't care if those black leggings still fit, are the comfiest things you own, or were from Victoria Secret. Women will laugh at you from the disguise of their iPhones or minivans if you sport a saying on your ass and you are over the age of beer bong hitting Spring Break in your near future. 

2. Nose rings, tattoo sleeves, and a streak of flamingo pink in your hair should best be left to the ladies who could generally kick someone's ass in an alley. Face it... you haven't even been in an alley in years, let alone somewhere with an alley. Not you. Don't think about it. 

3. Let's get over Strip Clubs. 99.9% of our men don't even go more than once upon a Bachelor party, haven't gone back to one since they had a life, and didn't enjoy the experience the one time they did. If my hubby is fantasizing about a woman child named Chastity, Amber, or Sapphire, he's in worse shape then I thought. Strip Clubs aren't mysterious Sex Palaces and aren't worth time or worry... or investment in some slutty lingerie to compete. Sleep in an old t and sweats... who wants to worry about their kids coming in with a nightmare to have a bigger one when mommy's boobies are every which way but covered at 2am? 

4. If you own clothes a thirteen year old wants to show her friends, wear to school, or borrow regularly, stop shopping at Forever 21. Once you hit 30, you are no longer Forever 21. That was a lifetime ago.

5. No matter who you are, someone always wants to be as awesome as you. I don't care if they just built the house of your dreams (can you say espresso stained wide-plank cherry floors and a wall of windows that is so high they'll never all be cleaned), and there is something about YOU they envy... maybe you have a sleek ride (new Sienna, anyone) or always look like you've showered, done your hair, and have mascara on (how dare you?!?), but someone will always think you are better than them at something. You are a super mom, even if you rarely feel like one.

6. Cheetah print is hienus. Especially on flats, coats, and coordinated with purple.

7. Nap time in our homes should come furnished with "DO NOT DISTURB" signs on our doors. You know those are the two hours you get the most done. Pinterest doesn't Pin itself, people!

8. Hats are to keep your head warm, dry, clean, or covered (we don't need to see this is Day 3 of no water heater, ladies). We are not at the Derby, or attending the Royal Wedding, so don't accessorize a cute outfit with one. 

9. If you can see your C-section scar, it's time to start a new Goodwill bag. Those items first.

10. If you are wearing your maternity jeans and you are A) not pregnant and B) your youngest's first birthday is passed, buy some non-maternity jeans a few sizes up. The jig is up.